Jester BaZe

(I’ll apologize now, these are really scatterbrained thoughts)

Becoming closer to the body recently has just gotten me extremely fired up for the Lord. I know now that my faith is becoming stronger because I’m hearing things like “You aren’t the same anymore”, meaning that my values have changed. Meaning I have a backbone now. I’m not “cool” with everything anymore, because I know what’s right (The Word) and what’s wrong. I told one of my friends the other day “If everyone is right, we’re all wrong”. He thought about it and agreed, that was the end of “You’re not the same anymore” (LOL!) My old friends aren’t used to me having any kind of moral code. They Matt they remember had no conscience. Talk about strength through the Lord… When I see how I’ve changed, it’s really incredible. Seeing my old friends was a ton of fun, but was bittersweet in the same. They haven’t changed.  I was right on the same page with them for many years, now I don’t fit quite right with that crowd. We still get along, but I’m not going to go smoke pot, or do something dumb with them… Just strange, it served as a kind of reminder of my old self. I really don’t miss that at all when I think about it. I feel sad for them, I hope one day they can find Christ as I did. It’s hard to see that God is real though when you’re being dealt a bunch of crap for your life. I can relate, I remember those days all too well.

(Random thought #2)

I don’t know if this is a true testimony to growing in spirit, but good God have things been crazy with life recently. I know Justin understands when I say “Some days I feel as though the devil is right behind me.” It’s hard sometimes to rejoice in hardship, but I think when I can pull my head out of my butt I can really thank God for these hard times. I think sometimes perhaps he’s mad at me? I know he isn’t though. Whatever the reason is for these hard times, I thank God that at least he has a plan for me. Perhaps to show me how to rely on Him better? I don’t know. I can’t exactly read God’s mind, just his Word… But I keep on praying like crazy, I pray about everything anymore. I figure getting God’s help is as easy as asking. It’s been working too, a lot. I’ve just been asking for a change in my heart, that I don’t continue to be an immoral person in my thought life. I’ve been asking for strength to get through my hardships, I’ve been asking to say the right things to people, more conviction, etc etc… Long story short here, God really delivers! I can honestly say that it’s all been changing for the better. It’s so cool to feel this change occur.

(Random thought #3)

One last thing, I read the Church Discipline forum recently about Xenos being a cult, or cult-like, or whatever they are trying to say. I haven’t read anything that really incriminates Xenos or says “cult” to me. We are by definition a cult, but by the world’s standards, we aren’t a cult. We are very tight knit, we are very friendly, we do meet often, and we believe strongly. Seems kind of cult-esq, but it’s nothing unbiblical as far as I understand. (Perhaps we are a cult, in every sense, just not a bad cult.) I’m thinking that the people that get burned are the ones looking for Xenos to meet all their needs, very extremely co-dependent people, that want to be accepted as is, with no pressure to change, and no pressure to grow spiritually. I’m willing to bet as soon as we say “Hey why are you doing [something immoral here]?” It stings. The first time I was shown one of my major pitfalls, I was pretty angry. I wanted to defend my immoral actions, I disregarded the Bible, and the body for a while. I felt that anger towards Xenos, then I realized I was being a complete infantile idiot. I was angry at Keith, and the body, God, and Xenos for pointing out what the word says! How retarded, to come to Xenos, study the bible, and then say it’s wrong, and I’m right. More so than God’s word… How can I plan on growing spiritually if I don’t trust what the Bible says is best for me? I turned my back on God and on Xenos for a little bit, took a deep breath, and then went back, and made some changes to myself. I didn’t think it was going to do anything, but I tried anyways, (one of those “Ah what the hell why not?” decisions) and I’m so glad for that impulsiveness. The joy I felt when I gave my trust to God, and the difference I’ve been feeling as of lately has been downright exciting! I gave a little trust and prayer to God, he gave back. I gave more trust, he gave even more back. I then decided based on the whole pleasure principal idea, I’m going to dive in headfirst. Once I took the dive, I can’t even describe the good feelings. The whole revolution of joy idea… Joy is exactly right. I know now how right the bible is.  (I don’t even know if I discussed this whole ordeal with anyone yet… Maybe Tom? I bet people noticed though when I was starting to disappear, sorry for those times.) That infantile moment actually lead to some monumental changes in my life. Trying to imitate Christ in the world today isn’t easy at all, but it really can be rewarding! I just can’t wait to see my first salvation, I dream of that day… I can’t say that I’m mature spiritually, nor can I say that I’m not immoral. I’m still human, and 21 years old at that. The thing I can say is that things are changing fast, and I’m doing my best to work with God on my issues.

That’s all I got today, I wish I had some graceful closure for this blog, but this is it… Thanks for reading!

–Matt

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